Etiquette with Jene

Ms Jene Cowley explains how to play nice and share your toys with etiquette for the modern Filament-reading woman.

A guy I met socially texted me about going for a drink. I’m happy to have him as a friend, but I’m not romantically interested. Should I tell him it’s just platonic in a text, or wait and tell him in person? Or is it rude to be so blunt?

What is rude is dishonesty. Be honest with yourself and him. If you’ve got a textual relationship, let him know clearly that you’re happy to have a drink as mates, the end. If, after a few beers, he starts to look better, you can always change your mind, in which case, another text or even some saucy words will be called for.

I picked up a guy at a party and he went down on me in the back garden. I’ll be seeing him again at another function, do I need to return the favour?

Lucky you, what a fabulous party!

‘You’re talking about tit-for-tat, though, which rather defeats the point of sex: it’s voluntary.’

Just because he gave you a delightful treat, doesn’t mean you’re under any obligation to return the favour. Only do so if you want to. Does he have any friends? Text me the address for the next party please.

My boyfriend has a perfectly adequate penis, it’s by no means the biggest I’ve seen, not the smallest. He thinks it’s tiny. What should I tell him?

Oh yes, this is delicate one. Tact is called for. Do you have good sex? Tell him exactly that. It’s great, you’re happy and he’s doing it right. Focus on the great things between you, not any perceived flaws. As we all know, even the biggest ones can be completely useless driven by an inexperienced operator.

My friends and siblings keep having babies, and I find it hard to keep up my interest in their new offspring. Am I a bad friend?

You don’t like new stuff? Babies are just like new shoes — one-of-a-kind, custom-made shoes that have never before existed and can never be made again. This is quite exciting. Also, like shoes, they can be quite painful when new. It is indeed polite to appreciate your friends’ new bairns, as you would their new shoes. Commend them on their excellent new shoes — I mean, baby — and then get back to the fabulous exciting non-shoe-related activities you were up to previously.

Don’t give your poor Nana a heart attack; send your etiquette questions to Jene at etiquette@filamentmagazine.com or ask them below. No personal responses given. This column appeared in Filament magazine Issue 2.