Etiquette with Warren Ellis
Comic writer and internet phenomenon Warren Ellis lays down the law on correct and proper behaviour.
How much is it okay to socialise with your ex if they have a new girlfriend/boyfriend?
Why are you socialising with your ex? The ex is obviously dramatically inferior in some way, or else they wouldn’t be your ex. Do you associate socially with the contents of last week’s rubbish? Of course you don’t. Snap out of it.
Can I shout at my mother-in-law when she steals my alcohol?
I’ve actually discussed this with the relevant authorities, and it turns out that when she steals your booze it’s entirely legal to cosh your mother-in-law with any household object smaller than, say, an armchair. [Note to Ed: the ‘relevant authorities’ are actually just me doing a funny voice. Should we mention this? Might be, I dunno, a law thing.]
What drink does one order to go with some prime rib rare?
Dog piss. Big steaming carafe of it. I mean, if you’re ordering prime rib rare, you’ve obviously got no palate anyway, so what does it matter? Battery acid in a rusty metal can. Makes no difference. Humans cook meat with fire until it has stopped pulsing and squirting. This is what separates us from the animals, and also the Welsh.
‘They probably keep half a cat in the kitchen freezer
just for people like you – because you won’t be
able to tell the difference.’
Ordering good meat rare sends a signal to your waitstaff that you would just as happily tuck into a freshly-killed baboon’s arse. They probably keep half a cat in the kitchen freezer just for people like you – because you won’t be able to tell the difference.
Having met a person at a party whose religious or political views you find abhorrent, and having attempted, and failed, at finding some middle ground on the subject of faith or political power, at what point is it merely advisable to twat them, and at what point is it absolutely necessary? Does finding your debater attractive and within your lustobject parameters affect this?
What you’re really asking is: is it bad to shag a Nazi? And obviously the answer is: depends on the nature of their moustache.
At what age is it best to crush a child’s dreams so that they have an easier time stepping in to the status quo?
‘A child is a poison missile that you aim at the future.’
You fool. You do not do such things to children. A child is a poison missile that you aim at the future. You encourage, fund and resource their dreams to the fullest extent of your capability, knowing that your reward will be the pain and misery of generations yet unborn.
This column appeared in Filament Magazine Issue 3: December 2009. Warren Ellis is far too busy writing novels, comics and marshaling his Holy Slut Army at www.warrenellis.com to provide a 23-word biography. Jene will be back soon, so please continue to email questions to etiquette@filamentmagazine.com. Photograph of Warren Ellis by Zoetica Ebb.
Filed Under: Columns
Tags: etiquette, food, parenting, warren ellis
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Comments (15)
Comments like this are why I stopped paying attention to Warren Ellis:
“Tonight I shall murder a prostitute and lay her cooling body next to me so I sleep better. Don’t judge me, I have to be up early”
https://mobile.twitter.com/warrenellis/status/2370669372
Warren Ellis threatens everything with killing. He has nothing personal against prostitutes. He frequently identifies himself as one.
Heh.
I don’t know why I’m apologizing for him, but he falls under the category of ‘offensive yet unbiased individuals who hate everyone equally’.
I don’t find this type of writing funny, to be honest.
Maybe they should have a write-off. Kind of like a spelling bee. Survival of the funniest.
The problem isn’t his being a ‘offensive yet unbiased individual who hate everyone equally’. The problem is that sexworkers are actually targets for violence, rape, and assault. Joking about killing them isn’t the same as joking about killing people who aren’t targets. Similarly, joking about lynching black people isn’t the same as joking about lynching white people.
There’s a fine line between making making a joke and being an asshole. Sometimes, this dude crosses it.
…seriously. Reading these comments, I just imagined a roomful of PTA-women with their hair in tight buns, wearing Dame Edna glasses and going “Well, now, I don’t approve of this sort of thing!”
Okay, excuse me, now I’ll have to go and search for my Guide For Correct And Wholesome Humour Which Can Never Ever Ever Offend Anybody. You know, to wipe my bum with.
Signed “A 30+ male proponent of equality and minorities & sex workers rights”
@Sigh I’m no PTA mom. I’m actually a sex worker tired of seeing my friends and coworkers brutalized and murdered. The complacency of some “proponents of equality” is sad. Just replace the word “prostitute” with “black woman” or any other marginalized minority and see how that statement sits.
“A child is a poison missile that you aim at the future. You encourage, fund and resource their dreams to the fullest extent of your capability, knowing that your reward will be the pain and misery of generations yet unborn.”
I don’t care who you are, that’s hilarious!
I found the article itself pretty funny but the sex worker comment is in poor taste. The former is like laughing about terrorists attacking my local community center, which is TOTALLY absurd ’cause I live in the middle of Nobody Cares, BC, and nobody even uses the damn thing. The latter is like laughing about terrorists attacking NYC on 9/12/2001 — violence against sex workers happens every day so until that changes it’s always going to be a fresh wound. Call me a PTA mom or whatever, but context counts.
Just in case anyone is confused, the comment about violence against sex workers that people are talking about was NOT published in Filament magazine.
Chiming in my love for this article. I guess the writer of Transmetropolitan was not what I was expecting in a saucy womens’ mag, but there he was! Glad to see humor of every variety in Filament, especially this kind. Even if I’m apparently Welsh for eating my steaks rare.
The sex workers joke is funny because it’s so wrong headed. These are people that obviously don’t deserve to die. It’s like, this is the thought process some creeps have, let us mock them. Or how a clown does something comically wrong to instruct us on the right way of acting.
And who isn’t a target of violence in this world?
I see the point that some misanthropes or misogynists could take it seriously, but getting offended probably only reinforces their worldview.
Laugh in the face of these morons.
Patricia West, way to stand up. Thank you.
foodeater, you’ve got a reasonable perspective, and while it could be argued that Ellis’s style of humor undermines wrong-headed attitudes, it does so at a cost. This is a situation in which responsible people defer to the person who’s actually in a position to be affected by these attitudes.
@Sigh.
The old, old anti-feminist, anti-women silencing tactic – ‘you’re all just uptight people with no sense of fun’.
Listen, mate. Whatever you may like to claim, you don’t actually care about women’s oppression, so stop kidding yourself and everyone else. You’re a closet misogynist telling us all how we ought to react to things you approve of. Wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Chew on that.
I thought this column was hilarious!! Don’t know about the prostitute joke. You haven’t proved he even wrote that as it’s not written here.
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