Five days. Five miserable, edgy, angry, head-pounding days. At least my hands had stopped shaking. How did I ever let Cam and Joel talk me into this?
Five days ago, my flatmates and I had the crazy idea to quit smoking together. We had all struggled with quitting over the years, each of us attempting the impossible many times. The longest any of us had ever gone without the sweet taste of nicotine was a little over a week. Joel had made it for eight miserable days before cracking and nearly bowling over an old man on the way to the store to buy a fresh pack of fags. Since that day, we had decided that the only way we would ever quit smoking again was if we did it together. As I knew that would never happen, I felt safe in my addiction.
I was content with my smoking. I had grown accustomed to the hacking cough and the constant aroma of stale smoke on my clothes. I didn’t care about any of that, smoking made me look fucking cool. Well, at the very least it made me feel cool.
‘I didn’t care about any of that, smoking made me look fucking cool. Well, at the very least it made me feel cool.’
But when Joel came in one day so winded he could barely breathe, we knew we were in trouble.
‘What the hell happened to you?’
He had collapsed on the sofa, hand at his chest. Glancing up at me with half-closed eyes, he looked as if he would pass out if he had to exert any more energy.
‘The lift is out of order. I had to walk all the way up.’
‘Joel, we only live on the second floor.’
‘I know, but that is a hell of a lot of steps. Don’t look at me like that; you don’t take the stairs either.’
He had me there. I lit two cigarettes, handing him one after a long drag. We sat and waited until Joel could move again so he could get to the kitchen to put the kettle on. Just as Joel slunk to the sink, Cam came through the door, exhibiting all the same symptoms as Joel. Truth be told, I had done something similar when I got home from work, there just hadn’t been anyone there to witness my shame. As Cam fell onto the sofa, his hand still managed to reach into his pocket and fetch a cancer stick of his own.
‘Goddamned lift. How long’s it going to be out?’
‘I don’t know. Hopefully not long. We called the handyman already. Do you want some tea?’
‘Yes, Gigi darling. I would love some tea.’
Our sitting room was soon filled with a familiar cloud of smoke. I picked a stray particle of tobacco off my tongue and met eyes with Cam. He winked at me, right before he doubled over, coughing into his free hand. Joel emerged from the kitchen with our cups, his cigarette hanging precariously from his lips. I watched in horror as his ashes fell straight into my mug. Cam noticed it too, and was the first to speak up.
‘Joel emerged from the kitchen with our cups, his cigarette hanging precariously from his lips. I watched in horror as his ashes fell straight into my mug.’
‘God, would you look at us? We are a bloody mess.’
‘What are you talking about?’
Joel looked confused as he set the cups on the coffee table, dropping his butt into my mug, since the tea was undrinkable already.
‘Joel, you just ruined a perfectly good cup of tea with your ash, and I’m going to die if I have to keep coming up those stairs. Yesterday Gigi burned another hole in the sofa. We can’t go on like this. It’s time we quit.’
‘Bite your tongue, Cameron.’
‘Come on Gigi, you know I’m right.’
I had to admit he had a point. Joel seemed more convinced than me, having been the most successful of the three of us thus far.
‘Come on Gigi, let’s do it. If we all stick together, we can make it work. Cam and I won’t let you cheat. What do you say?’
I pulled the pack out of my pocket and stared at the single remaining cigarette. It was like a sign, an omen that they were both right. I sighed deeply, and then coughed. Hard.
‘Oh, what the hell. One last go, and then we’ll quit.’
We sat side by side on the sofa, smoking like prisoners condemned to die. As we watched the last bits of flame being snubbed out, I knew we were making a mistake. But, I smiled at them both, trying to hide my feelings.
I sat on the sofa, feeling like I was coming out of my skin. Cam and Joel were next to me, their heads resting on my shoulders. Five days into our torture and we were all struggling. The television talked to itself, all of us too bitchy to bother changing the channel or even to pay attention. I noticed Cam’s hand twitching slightly and I put mine on top of it to calm him down. His fingers laced through mine, but I still felt the slight jittery charge running through his skin. Joel was tracing the pattern of the sofa with his pinkie, his knee rising and falling in a rapid tempo. I tried to be the strong one, but my mind was racing so fast I could barely control where it was going.
‘The television talked to itself, all of us too bitchy to bother changing the channel or even to pay attention.’
‘We need something to take our minds off this.’
‘What do you suggest, Gigi? We agreed no exceptions, no matter what.’
Joel jumped up, startling us both with his energy. He paced back and forth in front of us, air drumming a crazy rhythm. ‘We’ve been to the cinema, we’ve gone for walks, we’ve chewed so much bloody gum our teeth are going to fall out. What the fuck do you want us to do? I mean, seriously. What the fuck do you suggest?’
My thoughts continued to spin like a slot machine with a fresh coin inside. The wheels kept going until all the pieces clicked into place; three cherries in a row. I stood up, releasing Cam’s hand in the process. I stepped in front of Joel, stopping his manic motion. I grabbed his head in my hands, and before he could say another word, kissed him hard on the lips. At first he stiffened, his body resisting my solution, but after a few seconds he relaxed into me, his hands going around my back on pure instinct. His tongue dove into my mouth, my own hands gripping his ratty T-shirt. Pulling apart, Joel was panting and I was feeling calmer than I had in days.
‘Shit, Gigi. That was unexpected.’
‘Do you feel better?’
We stood looking at each other in silence, until Cam cleared his throat and brought us back to reality. He smiled at me, his hand patting the cushion next to him.
‘You know, Gigi. I’m freaking out over here too.’
By this time, it was beyond me to think about how stupid or wrong it might be to continue. I slumped back onto the sofa and fell into Cam, our mouths now connected. As we kissed, I felt the sofa move. Joel had sat down again; his hand was on my knee and moving up to my thigh. I turned back to Joel, his mouth finding mine before I could even get my eyes all the way open.
‘Joel was working his finger into my pussy, his erection peeking out of the hole in his boxers.’
I heard zippers opening, felt tugging and pulling at my clothes, hands and tongues sliding over sensitive skin. My mind was too overloaded to know who was who, which thumb was strafing over my nipple, which hand was reaching into my pants to find my cunt wet. Joel pulled away, my mouth finally free to gasp for air, my eyes free to see what was happening all around me. Cam had his cock in his hand, stroking it slowly while stroking my nipple to a hard peak. Joel was working his finger into my pussy, his erection peeking out of the hole in his boxers. I looked back and forth between the two of them, until Cam pulled my face to his, kissing me deeply before urging my mouth towards his waiting cock.
I wrapped my lips around Cam, and took him into my mouth. Closing my eyes, I took the length of him into my throat. Finally, something to satisfy my oral fixation. I could feel both sets of their eyes on me, fueling the heat between my legs. I moved slowly, licking and sucking until Cam had grown bigger in my mouth.
Joel had apparently grown tired of just sitting by, as I felt him pull my pants down my legs and off my feet. His urging hands moved me to my knees, my ass high in the air. The next moment, he began slowly trailing his tongue up the back of my leg. His hot, restless hands moved up my inner thighs, pausing just below my pussy. For a moment, he did nothing, and I waited, tense and anxious for his next move.
‘I felt him pull my pants down my legs and off my feet. His urging hands moved me to my knees, my ass high in the air.’
Cam’s cock slid in and out of my mouth, as Joel’s tongue swept down from my ass to my pussy. His mouth was hot on my skin, and his fingers parted my lips, exposing me to his deep tongue strokes. After a few torturous minutes, he stopped teasing and nibbled my clit. I slowed my pace with Cam, unable to concentrate. Joel ran his fingers down my slit, and pushed two inside of me. Sucking my swollen clit, he began fucking my pussy with his thick digits. I rocked back and forth between them, trying not to give one too much attention.
Joel’s face and hands suddenly moved away from me. I swivelled my hips in the air, trying in vain to find him again. His hands cupped my hips, and for a moment I stopped everything I was doing, releasing Cam from between my lips. Joel entered me, slower than I could bear. I was rubbing my face against Cam’s thigh, moaning quietly between clenched teeth.
I felt his hard cock sliding, stirring inside my pussy. Joel’s voice broke me from my private world.
‘Keep sucking him Gigi, I want to watch.’
Cam ran his fingers into my hair and pulled me back down onto his waiting dick. I opened my throat and sucked him, as Joel slammed his cock into me, pushing me forward. My eyes were closed, as the pleasure of the two of them inside me coursed through my blood. Joel increased his pace. I felt his fingers reach under me, finding my clit. He pressed down and rubbed in tiny circles. My muffled cries around Cam’s cock grew more fervent as I heard him moaning my name into the air. I pushed back into Joel, trying to bring us all closer to the edge. Joel pinched my clit between his fingers, and just as the pain and pleasure crested, Cam started to come into my mouth, his hands holding my head in place as his hips came up to meet my mouth. I released his cock as I threw my head back in ecstasy.
‘Joel pinched my clit between his fingers, and just as the pain and pleasure crested, Cam started to come into my mouth, his hands holding my head in place as his hips came up to meet my mouth.’
Joel and I came nearly together, my pussy contracting around him as he sped up and pounded into me with the same fervour I had seen in him a few minutes before. His fingers moved over my clit until I had to push him away when I got too sensitive. With two last halting thrusts, Joel fell onto me, collapsing for a few minutes until his composure returned.
We sat, exhausted and sweaty, still intertwined. Cam moved first, reaching into the end table and producing a fresh pack of cigarettes. Joel and I accepted the offering without a word, neither of us refusing the forbidden fruit. In the quiet, we watched the smoke rise around us, the familiar smell a comfort to all our noses. I smiled at them both and said what we were all thinking.
‘Okay, so maybe this can be our one exception.’
Originally published in Filament magazine Issue 4. We don’t include any explicit photography in our website. If you want to see the dirty bits you’ll just have to buy the magazine.